Q. You were just passed over for a promotion that you believe you deserved. You are shocked but don’t want to mishandle the situation. What should you do?

A. First, calm down. You may feel as if you’ve just sustained a body blow, but you need time to put this decision into perspective and analyze it.

If you are feeling emotional, try to say very little at first because you could end up doing something counterproductive, said John Beeson, founder of Beeson Consulting in Manhattan.

“Your boss is probably feeling guilty and is not prepared to give you good reasons for the decision,” Mr. Beeson said. “Just say: ‘I am disappointed. I am not challenging the decision, but I would like to come back to you in a few days and get some feedback that would help me manage my career.’ That tells your boss you’re not giving up and you want more information.”

Q. After you’ve calmed down, what’s the best way to find out why you didn’t get the promotion?

A. First, answer some basic questions. Were you aware of the possibility that someone else would get the promotion? How important was this promotion to you? And how is the company doing over all — were you the only person who didn’t get a promotion this year?

“The answers to these questions will allow you to understand the decision in a very pragmatic way,” said Ana Dutra, C.E.O. of Korn/Ferry International’s Leadership and Talent Consulting group in Chicago.

Talk to a mentor if you have one, or find one or two people who understand the organization and will speak candidly to you about why they think you weren’t promoted, said Rick Maurer, president of Maurer & Associates, a change management consulting firm Arlington, Va., and author of “Why Don’t You Want What I Want?”

Be willing to just listen and not interrupt, he said. “If you start defending yourself,” he said, “you won’t get any more information.”

Q. When you meet with your boss to discuss the decision, should you try to convince him or her to reconsider?

A. No. The outcome may not seem fair to you, and it could be that you really were the best person for the job. Maybe office politics played a role. But you need to consider the decision as final.

What you want now is feedback, said Jane S. Goldner, a management consultant and author of “Driven to Success: A 10-Point Checkup for Achieving High Performance in Business.”

Asking why you didn’t get the promotion will only put your boss on the defensive. “It’s far more productive to ask what you need to do to be the best-qualified person next time,” she said.

Unfortunately, managers can be vague when it comes to this kind of feedback, so press for specifics. “If they say you need to work on communication skills, for example, ask what needs work — written communication, group communication, one-on-one? You need to know what to focus on,” Ms. Goldner said.

Convey your desire to learn what skills you need to develop, Mr. Beeson said. If possible, speak not only with your boss, but also with senior executives you work with.

“Ask them for examples of how you have fallen short,” he advised. “At the end of the meeting, ask what two things above all others would most build their confidence in your ability to succeed at a higher level. It is usually one or two things holding someone back, and you want to know what those two things are.”

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Be aware of your body language during the meeting, Mr. Maurer said. Your boss is watching you to see how you are taking the information. “Don’t get defensive,” he said.

Q. How do you demonstrate to your boss and other senior executives that you are working to develop the skills necessary for a promotion?

A. After the meeting, send your boss an action plan that reiterates your discussion and the goals that have been set, and that tells your boss what you need from him or her in order to be successful — perhaps periodic meetings to assess performance, Ms. Dutra said. “Mangers love the fact that someone is saying ‘I need your help,’” she said.

Q. How do you manage your anger and frustration while working toward the next promotion opportunity?

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A. Managing those feelings is vital, because negativity in the office can be a career killer, said Shawn Achor, a teaching fellow in psychology at Harvard and C.E.O. of Aspirant, a management consulting firm in Cambridge, Mass.

Mr. Achor studies the effects of positive and negative attitudes on job performance. He says that people who have a sour attitude begin to deconstruct their social support systems at work and lose their connection to co-workers. “Then they become the toxic person on the team,” he said.

A positive attitude, however, brings more intelligence to a task, allows you to see more possibilities and work longer and better with those around you, he said.

Instead of dwelling on the disappointment, he said, write down a list of the things that are outside your control, like the economy or office politics — and focus your energy and time on what you can control, like your performance.

The Promotion That Got Away

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